“Just because I have to love you doesn’t mean I have to like you.”
My mom would tell me this enough times in my childhood that I remembered it my heart.
I’m lost. I don’t know how to heal. I don’t know what to heal. My emotions are everywhere. When I started feeling my feelings, I wish someone would have told me how to control them. My therapist was so insistent that I feel everything in order to heal but never bothered to prepare me for what was to come. How do you close the dam once it’s been opened?
I was watching Richard Grannon’s Instagram Live and I learn more from that guy than years in therapy.
I just can’t keep going on like this.
The pain is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
I cannot stand to be in the same room as my mother.
I am barely talking to my father.
I discovered I was the Lost child in this dysfunction. So I am trying to read as much about that as I can.
I’m still agoraphobic. Still monophobic. Still having to rely upon these monsters for food, money and shelter.
This. Is. Not. Living. This is dying slowly.
I wish I had happier things to report.
I finished Toxic Parents. It was okay. Nothing groundbreaking. Got to the part where you’re supposed to “heal.” Write a letter to your parents. Been there. Done that. Still in the same spot.
I worry Im getting to a point where I know this won’t get better.
There is the Red Pill. The Blue Pill and the Black Pill.
I think when I started this “journey” I was red pilled. I felt I could see everything now and I could possibly get out.
At this point, the best I can do is die here or die in a state-funded group home.
The lost child was never allowed to even imagine a life free of pain and suffering.
The lost child in me is telling me to not bother having any expectations. Don’t plan anything. The last time I had a goal, I set out to volunteer at an animal shelter. It was great until my NM tried to get the place shut down. I was kicked out because, once again, my NM could not control herself. She has to ruin ANYTHING I have. Anything that is good in my life, she must find a way to ruin it ASAP.
Everything has been an illusion.
Thought I had parents – I didn’t.
Thought I had a childhood – I didn’t.
Thought I had family – I didn’t.
Thought I had faith in a God – I didn’t.
It was all lies. I was brainwashed since birth. Now I’m too old to start. I can’t find a partner to have kids with I’m too old. I have so much work to do on myself. I can’t get a career. I have a 8 year gap in my work experience from PTSD.
I have no future. I wake up every morning and I don’t get why I’m still breathing. This isn’t living. This is not living. From birth it has been surviving one crisis to the next crisis to the next crisis.
I get now why people kill themselves. I get now why people eat their pain. I get now why people take drugs to numb it all.
I feel so goddamn broken. This – ME – is just not fixable. There is no time. I had no childhood, I had no teen years, I had no 20’s. I’m halfway to 40 with no friends, no job, no family.
These thoughts are impossible to avoid. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Everyone will shit on me for being so negative but this is how I feel. These are my thoughts.
I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want empathy.
I don’t want people to sell me false hope (‘Oh, put your faith in God. It will get better. Just hold on. Good things are coming.’)
When? When are the good things coming?
I’ve had almost 40 years of straight suffering. I don’t know what non-pain looks like or feels like. If there is a blue print to get better, please tell me because I’ve done the medications, the exposure therapies, the yoga, meditation, NLP, EMDR, CBT, DBT, hypnosis, exercise, praying.
I think it’s me. I think I just don’t want to keep trying these things anymore. I think I’m tired. I’m tired. I fought for me for a really long time. I made it through the 80’s in this house. I made it through high school in this house. And nothing has changed except I’m unable to leave this house now. Now I’m in prison in my house and in my head. I know I can survive hell. They murdered my soul and they bled me dry. They got exactly what they wanted. I’m old and tired now. The same old and tired I used to complain about when I was in elementary school and the kids would look at me weird.
I want to be honest with how I feel but my own words terrify me.
I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. I was forced Catholic. Strict rules, religious abuses and ritual abuses since birth. *Drink this or the devil is within you.* *Do this or you will bring Satan into my house*
I just want to ask him, why send me here? Why send me down here? I have no purpose. I’ve been disconnected from everyone and never truly connected at all. It was all a joke. Am I just a joke to you? What was the point of all this? Others could have used my life for good. I’m wasting it carrying around this trauma like a badge. Makes me physically sick. These people you put me with, they hurt me, you know. I have no self. I have no idea how to fix any of this.